Its a hard question to answer, and for me it wasn 't up for discussion. I did't NEED armor, so of course I wasn't using it that way. Of course, that was all lies. Lies I told myself so that I could avoid facing the reality of things; my fat was my excuse. For me, fat was an excuse to not do things, to continue negative habits and my defense system against reality. It was all tied up in my issues with "failure" (among other things). If I was too fat to do something, then I couldn't possibly fail at it - right? Wrong. Using your fat as an excuse can only be classified as one thing: Epic Fail. (Yes, I hear all you gamers out there 'lol'ing.) Its true though.
I started gaining weight after a very tragic experience in my life. My first week of college I was drugged and raped at a party. It was hard, and not the first time I had experienced a sexual assault. Being away from my family and thrust into another city all alone made it hard to deal with. It was easier to just be me, alone, safe in my room with my Doritos and Chips Ahoy (and IRC! ha!). It was recently suggested to me that the reason I started to rapidly gain weight was as a deterrent. Now, I can't say exactly what happened but I do know that it was a very hard time for me and looking back it seems completely plausible that my weight gain was justified in my mind. "If I'm unattractive, they won't hurt me again." I can see that logic, however flawed it is.
The logical side of me of course says that this is ridiculous, and that it wasn't my fault. I know this. I've put in many hours of healing and come through the other side a stronger person. I'm far more confident than I was and more self assured. However, the more I think about it, the more I believe that the scared teenage girl in me still holds onto that belief and uses fat as a way to protect her from being hurt again.
She really couldn't be more wrong, because in effect what she did was trade the fear of one potential assailant for the certainty of another. Yep, thats right, its like being in a fight with a ninja and a pirate and then grabbing the pirate and using the pirate to fight off the ninja. You know full well that after that ninja goes down, the pirate is gonna turn on you.
Yarrrgghh!! Me fat is killin me!
At some point its time to whip out your own weapons (knowledge and confidence being two), as I did, and get ready for the fight of your life. Its time to take down that peg-legged, heart disease and diabetes causing marauder. Its time to say "I'd rather defend myself than use you and have you secretly stab me in the back!"
It may be a tough decision to come to, or hard to imagine not having your 'armor' there to protect you. But, much like we have to get rid of the ugly sweater were so used to having around, we also have to stop using our fat to protect us. It doesn't. It hurts us more than it helps.
Victim who? Not me!
I know that each and every person goes through their own personal experiences and we all have our own personal (and often private) reasons for why we eat and how we ended up here. I can't possibly speak for everyone.
I do feel however, that there is one piece of advice that I can share with you all. By continuing to use your fat as a 'bullet proof vest', you're contributing to the belief that you're a victim. It doesn't really matter what you're a victim of but if you're protecting yourself from pain, you're admitting that you believe you will be a victim in the future. I firmly believe that we make our own reality with how we think and how we behave (Yep, I made myself fat - no one else really to blame, and I've accepted that). I also believe that continuing to believe that I was a victim was only creating that reality for me.
So, if you can work through your blockage or your issue and stop actively (or passively) contributing to your own victimization, you may just be able to hang 'im from the yardarm - the pirate I mean!
Yo Ho Ho Lassies!
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